Crying on the Inside—Why Won't the Tears Flow?

I’m starting this blog with a simple truth: I’m crying on the inside, but the tears never flow!

The pain is always there, lingering just below the surface...

After years of surviving abuse, culminating in a 30-year abusive marriage, I’ve only just begun to confront the emotional wreckage left behind. Now separated from my husband, the abuse continues in different ways, and I am still holding it all together for my two teenage children.

Every day, I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of a breakdown. I want to curl up in a ball, let the tears flow, and release all the pain I’ve buried deep within me, but I can’t. I can’t allow myself to break down because my children need me to stay strong. So instead, I keep going, doing my best to focus on them and their wellbeing, all the while carrying this heavy weight inside me.

Living in the Aftermath of Abuse

Leaving an abusive marriage was supposed to be a step towards freedom, but instead, it feels like I’m still trapped. The abuse hasn’t stopped. It’s shifted, taken on new forms. My husband continues to exert control and manipulate our lives from a distance, and I find myself still shackled to the emotional aftermath. But what’s most exhausting is the constant feeling of being on the verge of tears, but never quite reaching the release I so desperately need. It feels like all my emotions are locked away, from spending decades suppressing my emotional agony to preserve myself.

As a safeguarding consultant and mental health first aid trainer, I understand some of the theoretical reasons for why I feel this way. PTSD and depression can manifest in emotional numbness, especially after prolonged trauma. My mind and body have been in survival mode for so long that now, when I’m supposed to feel relief or even grief, I can’t. It’s like my brain is too overwhelmed to process it all, so it shuts down instead.

Why the Tears Won’t Flow

I’ve started to reflect on why I can’t cry, even when the pain feels unbearable. I know from my professional experience and research that there are reasons for this emotional blockage:

1. Emotional Numbness from Trauma: Years of abuse and trauma have conditioned my brain to shut down emotional responses as a way of protecting me. This is a common symptom of PTSD—the brain’s way of coping when emotions become too overwhelming. It’s as though my mind has decided that feeling too much right now would be dangerous, so it blocks the release.

2. Survival Mode: Even though I’ve separated from my husband, the abuse hasn’t truly ended. My life is still full of instability and fear. I’m constantly trying to maintain a sense of normalcy for my children, and that means I can’t afford to collapse emotionally. I’m still in survival mode, just as I was during my marriage, and that survival instinct keeps me from breaking down.

3. The Fear of Vulnerability: Crying means being vulnerable, and for so long, I’ve associated vulnerability with danger. If I let my guard down, if I allow myself to feel all the pain I’ve been holding in, I fear it will lead to a total breakdown, and I've got to keep functioning for my children.

A Journey I’m Only Just Beginning

Though I’ve started to understand why I feel this way, the reality is, I’m only at the very beginning of my healing journey. I wish I could say I’ve found the answers or that I’ve learned how to release this pain, but I haven’t. What I do know is that I want to start taking small steps towards healing, even if I’m not there yet. Here are the things I hope to embrace as I move forward, slowly but surely:

1. Acknowledging My Trauma: I’m beginning to accept that my pain is valid. For so many years, my pain has been invalidated and dismissed. But now, I'm starting to acknowledge that I’ve been through a lifetime of trauma, and that it’s okay to feel the weight of it. This, I hope, will be the first step in learning how to release the emotions that cling to me on the inside.

2. Understanding My Body’s Response to Trauma: I’ve been learning about how trauma is stored in the body, and I want to explore this further. Polyvagal theory, which explains how our nervous system responds to trauma, has helped me understand why I feel emotionally numb. My body has been in a constant state of defence, shutting down to protect me. While this knowledge doesn’t bring immediate relief, I hope it will help me work towards regulating my nervous system in the future.

3. Giving Myself Permission to Heal: I know that healing won’t come overnight, especially as a single parent! I’m trying to be patient with myself. There are days when I wish I could just cry and let it all out, but I’m not there yet. I want to give myself permission to take this journey at my own pace, to not rush the process or feel guilty for still feeling stuck.

4. Creating a Safe Space for Myself: One of the hardest parts of my current reality is that I still don’t feel completely safe. Even though I’ve left my marriage, my husband’s control continues to linger, and it affects my ability to relax and process my emotions. I hope to create small moments of safety—whether through my blog journaling, talking to a therapist, or simply finding quiet time for myself—so that I can start to feel more secure in my emotional world.

Looking Forward with Hope

As I write this, I know that healing is going to be a long journey. I want to believe that, in time, I will feel more connected to my emotions, and that I will be able to fully heal from the years of trauma I’ve endured. But for now, I’m still crying on the inside, waiting for the moment when it feels safe enough to let the tears flow.

Reaching Out for Support

If you’re reading this and feel like you’re stuck in a similar place—unable to cry, unable to feel like you’ve truly escaped the pain—know that you’re not alone. I hope that, as I continue this blog, I’ll be able to share more about what helps me along the way. For now, let’s take it one step at a time. We can heal, even if it doesn’t feel possible right now.

If you’re struggling with the emotional fallout of trauma and abuse, please reach out to your GP for support.